Lil' Arrow
by Kidscomix
Summary: In this wacky parody of the CW show, eight year old Oliver Queen and his rambunctious, mischievous friends are sentenced by the Starling City courts to attend a military school on the island of Lian Yu. Forced to endure weeks of strict discipline by the headmaster Slade Wilson, the kiddies finally revolt and try to take over the school and island "Hungary (Hunger) Games" style.
1. Chapter 1

PROLOGUE

Starling City. Home of a variety of criminal syndicates, shady dealings, and evil masterminds. It used to be called the _second rate DC Universe location for mediocre heroes_ but the CW network spent a large budget on filming the exterior scenery of Vancouver, California in order to promote their _Smallville_ ripoff show. Anyhoo, Starling City did not have the bankable appeal like Metropolis which got featured in a 1927 Fritz Lang silent film or the intentional pun advertisement of Gotham "Got Ham?" City. Hell, even Gateway City got recognized for something but the producers would rather downplay that since they're waiting on a script for the _Amazon_ pilot in development. In short, Starling City finally received its just due even if it did get its name from a _Silent of the Lambs_ reference.

Oh yeah, Starling City was named after FBI agent Clarice Starling who bore an eerie resemblance to lesbian actress, Jodie Foster. After Agent Starling rescued a senator's daughter with really bad eczema (she refused to accept the lotion from the basket) from transvestite serial killer, Buffalo Bill, the city known as the _second rate DC universe for mediocre heroes_ changed its name to Starling City and improved their struggling economy by manufacturing canned fava beans mixed with a nice Chianti which went up in a stock by thirty percent. *slurp slurp slurp*

Soon other criminal organizations began to move into the booming location. The Chinese Triad opened up a couple takeout restaurants and the Bertinelli family competed with them with their Italian eateries. It was all out food war when it came to family style fun meals and it turned really ugly especially when either the food network got involved or when binge eater Adam Richman tried to inhale an entire buffet on his _Man v. Food_ show. Pretty much Starling City became a hot bed of crime and just about anyone who was anyone wanted a piece of the criminal pie and brought in their own corrupt ingredients into the mix. _Notice how I made all those food references? I'm sure I'm making you hungry now!_

Down by urbanized dwelling known as The Bermuda Triangle, which aptly got its name from the fact that anything that entered there never got out _(i.e. crackheads, ho's, Lindsay Lohan…well you get the picture), _the Triangle became the epicenter of where society deteriorated. Think Downton Abbey but with a ghetto flair. Security guard thirty year old David Diggle taught his ten year old son John the ins and outs of upholding the public safety and protection of the shopping center's customers as they stood in front of the entrance of the Triangle Metro Mall. The Westfield company tried to buy it but after noticing their less than desirable demographic opted to purchase a more upscale space a better location. Bludhaven.

It was _Bring Your Child to Work Because You had Nothing Better to Do Day _and the thirty year old African American man wanted to showcase his occupation to his offspring. John Diggle had other ideas. Wearing an All-Star Squadron sports jersey, jeans, and a baseball cap the ten year old began to pop and lock his skills on the sidewalk in front of the patrons.

"_That's why I asked you. How you mean, how you mean? Thought you knew about my team? Ay!"_

"Boy!" David frowned. "Whatchoo doin'?"

"Yo, Pops!" John flashed a sign up with his hands. "I'm just practicing my rhymes! I'm gonna be an emcee just like Drake! Gotta work on my flow!"

The security guard knocked the lid of his son's baseball cap off his head. "Flow that!" John scrambled to catch his rolling hat.

"Pops!" The ten year old scowled. "Whatchoo do that for?"

David grabbed his offspring's shirt and yanked him forward. "Quit being a hood rat! No son of mine is gonna be stuck in the Bermuda Triangle the rest of his life! You're gonna go to school, get an education, and join the Army Special Forces! That's is whatchore gonna do with your life! Not this rappin' crap!"

John stomped his foot. "But, Pops! I'm an emcee! Don't playa hate! Celebrate!"

Furious, David clutched the boy by the collar and shook him hard. "HELL TO THE NO! Boy, you wanna be stuck being another street hood or drug thug? NOT ON MY WATCH! You're gonna go to school and make somethin' of yourself! You're gonna join the military, fight in the Middle East, and become a token servant to some rich, white boy who pretends to Robin Hood! Get my drift?"

Cringing in fear, the little boy managed to nod. "Okay…okay. Pops! I get it! I get it! I'll get my edjmacacion!"

The security rolled his eyes as he released his son. "Lord, help me! I'll be lucky if my boy even survives this day!" He pulled a device from the holster from his belt and handed it to the lad. "Hold this for a sec, son. It's pokin' my side!"

Staring at the square shaped device with four buttons, John saw the quartet of holes that housed small needles at the end. He began to thumb the switch before his father grabbed his wrist.

"Easy boy!" The African American man told him. "That's not a toy. It's an experimental Taser gun that the mall is testin' out for Queen Consolidated. It's supposed to taze four people at a time."

"Cool!" John smiled. "Can we test it out, Pops?"

"Sure," his father agreed. "We gots one of them guinea pigs runnin' out right now!"

Their eyes turned to the entrance of the mall as an African American couple began racing outside with a baby stroller containing a pile of clothes, a boxed stereo, and groceries followed by two little boys. David darted down to block their path.

"Stop!" The security guard yelled. "Give that merchandise back!"

Two employees from the mall came running out. "THEY'RE STEALING OUR STUFF! THEY'RE ROBBING US! David Diggle grabbed the male thief by his shirt.

The shoplifter curled his fist and took a swing at the security guard. David winked at his son to which John pressed the button the on the Tazer. A needle shot out, hit the thief in the arm as an electrical current passed through the shoplifter's body. The thief went down fast.

"Good work, son!" David smiled.

Sadly, the criminal's companion did not share the same sentiment. Marching over to John, she threatened the little boy.

"YOU LIL' PUNK ASS!" The woman screeched. "YOU SHOCKED MY MAN! I'M GONNA WHUP YOUR LIL' BEHIND!"

David Diggle attempted to diffuse the situation. "Mam, you better be backin' it up! Back it up! I'm callin' the po po cause ya'll were shopliftin'! Don't even think about it!"

The female got in the security guard's face. "WHATCHOO GONNA DO? WHATCHOO GONNA DO? WANNA FIGHT? WANNA FIGHT? GONNA FIGHT A SISTAH? GO AHEAD HIT ME! HIT ME!"

Her little hooligan kids egged their mother on. "KICK HIS ASS! KICK HIS ASS! HE GAY! HE GAY!"

Anger built inside John. Nobody ridicules his father and gets away with it. Pressing the switch, he released two more needles into the crazed female's kids. Giving them a low voltage, the two crotch goblins went down easily.

"YOU MUTHA….!" Rage of a wild animal displayed on the shoplifter's face. She shoved his father to the ground and lunged at the boy. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

John immediately silenced her. With one pressed of the button of the device in his hand, the needle struck her cleavage as he turned the dial on the Tazer to full capacity. The electrical jolt made the woman stiffen, shake a little, and she fell forward unmoving and drooling on the side walk. David Diggle went up to the ten year old and retrieved the Tazer.

"Bam Pops!" the ambitious rapper commented. "She went down like a ton of bricks."

David checked the woman's pulse, sighed, and glanced at his son. "Ya' done good son. I'm proud of you except we got a problem."

"She's a crook," John argued. "What problem can there be?"

Exhaling a breath, the security guard heard police sirens heading their way. "She ain't breathing. I gotta call the ambulance."

John clucked. "Damn. Well, there goes my dreams of being an Emcee."

* * *

Malcolm Merlyn and Moira Queen sat in one of the hallways of the Bay Orchid Arena dome as they waited for their meeting with the woman calling herself Granny Goodness. The pair had been interested in merging their two companies, Merlyn Global Group and Queen Consolidated, and purchasing an all-female MMA fighting group as a profitable venture. Accompanying them was Malcolm's son, Tommy age eight, and Moira's son, Oliver age eight, and daughter, Thea age four.

"Couldn't we have left the kids with a babysitter or a nanny?" Malcolm asked the corporate matriarch while the two boys played hide and seek through the corridors. "I know of one that does reality television."

"I couldn't find one on such short notice," said Moira. "Plus, with Richard being lost at sea on his yacht along with his first mate Gilligan and his friends the Professor, the movie star, the Thurstons, and Mary Ann, who knows when they'll ever be found or if they sign on the next couple of seasons or a reunion movie?"

Malcolm curled his lip in annoyance. "I wonder how rich people are supposed to handle parenting?"

Moira shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know but somehow Paris Hilton and the Kardashian trollops seem to be doing well. Perhaps our children could learn a little from them?"

The man who greatly resembled_ Torchwood's _Captain Jack Harkness agreed. "I'll remind myself to plop down little Tommy in front of the television when their shows come on."

Sounds of old lady shoes caught their attention as a silver haired old woman who embodied the presence of a Mormon Sister Wife entered the hallway in her dowdy prairie dress and greeted the couple. Extending her hand to the couple, Malcolm and Moira politely shook her.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," grinned the old woman. "But I was in negotiations to have Ed Asner play me in an animated movie." Her eyes displayed contempt for the two boys making a ruckus down the hall before she glanced at four year old Thea Queen with interest. "My, what a lovely little girl. Ever want to kick ass for a living?"

Thea shyly clutched her mother's skirts. "My name is Thea. I'm four and you smell like an old French whore!"

Moira's mouth dropped with embarrassment as Granny Goodness tried to remain professional and courteous.

Pouting, the four year old lass continued. "That's what my Mommy calls the women my Daddy has as friends. My Daddy has many, many lady friends. That's why Mommy keeps a list of their names in a book. She calls it her hit list."

The Queen matriarch shoved her daughter behind her and grinned nervously. "Don't pay any attention to her. Um, let's talk about business." She signaled to Malcolm to speak. "Malcolm, you want to add something?"

"Yeah, I'm hoping for a fifth season of Torchwood," said the man. Then he stopped. "Oh wait, that's the wrong fan fiction. Scratch that. Back to what I was saying, Granny Goodness. You told us you have a group of athletic woman you call your Female Furies who would be worth investing in for the MMA world?"

Granny Goodness nodded her head. "Yes, why don't I show you?" She gestured to the couple toward a door that led to an arena. Before entering, Moira called to her son and Tommy Merlyn.

"Oliver and Tommy?"

"Yes?" The two boys answered in unison.

"Myself and Mr. Merlyn are going with the nice lady to check something out," said the matriarch. "Stay here and don't wander off. We'll only be a few minutes."

"We won't!" They answered.

The business pair vanished into the next room as the two youngsters began to giggle in regards to their mischievous plan.

"Tommy," eight year Oliver grinned wickedly. "Want to see a naked lady?"

"Cool!" Little Tommy Merlyn cheered.

The two raced down the hall where they found the ladies' locker room. Pushing the door ajar, they heard the echoes of the water running from the shower stalls. Steam filled the room as the boys snuck around the endless rows of metal cabinets and tiled walls until finally they heard a female singing around the corner.

"_I dream a dream of time gone by…"_

Naturally, Susan Boyle and Anne Hathaway sang it better but of course it was not them performing the _Les Miserable_ tribute but some evil ogress scratching her nails against the chalkboard with her less than stellar vocals and mercilessly butchering the song. Ollie and Tommy covered their ears in disgust.

"Ollie! It's awful!" Tommy whispered.

The little blond boy crawled against the floor determined. "Must…see…naked…lady…" His dark haired buddy trailed after him. Peering around the edge of the corner of the tiled wall, their eyes focused on the nude figure showering in the stall. However, it was not the flawless beauty of a Victoria's Secret supermodel or one of the Playboy Playmate centerfold from one of the magazines that Tommy's father had hidden underneath his mattress, it was a wretched sight indescribable to explain.

Mass blobs of cellulite surrounded the creature as a layer of unearthly skin towered one over the other on the enormous figure. Dark moles, pimples, blemishes and hairy covered the beast as it managed to lift the sagging flesh to watch underneath its folds. The best way to describe the thing was to imagine Jabba the Hut, The Elephant Man, and Sasquatch breeding and spawning an evil lovechild. The thing monster continued to wash her folds of skin in front of the two boys.

Turning around to wash her hair, the blob saw the two youngsters staring at her before Tommy and Oliver and the blob screamed in horrified unison.

Back inside the arena, Moira and Malcolm listened to Granny Goodness boast about her female warriors as she introduced each of them as they entered inside the ring. The first was a disfigured woman who displayed a set of metal clawed gloves.

"This is Mad Harriet," said Granny Goodness. "She has a Freddy Krueger fetish."

"Welcome to your Nightmare on Elm Street!" Mad Harriet cackled wiggling her blade fingers.

"Is she a good fighter?" Malcolm asked.

"Usually," replied Granny. "Until she forgets to remove her gloves…"

"OWWW!" Mad Harriet howled. "DAMMIT! I STABBED MY CHEEK AGAIN!" She raced out of the ring while trying to cover her bloody face. "I need a band aid! Several!" The disfigured woman exited just as another female figure came on stage.

The next woman wore a latex and leather outfit and began cracking several whips at her disposal. Moira covered Thea's eyes.

"Let me guess," the Queen matriarch. "She's a Fifty Shades of Grey fan!"

"Fan?" Granny raised her eyebrows. "She wrote it! That's E. L. James or as I liked to call her, Lashina."

Moira rolled her eyes. "Pfft. Fifty Shades is nothing more than a Twilight fanfic with perverted BDSM sex practices. Anyone real person from the leather community can tell that it's a rip-off of 9 ½ Weeks and the film Secretary! Plus, it's poorly written and amateurish. Give me D. H. Lawrence or Anais Nin any day."

Lashina threw a tantrum and wailed. "IT'S NOT AMATEURISH! IT'S ORIGINAL AND WRITTEN REALLY WELL! YOU ALL ARE A BUNCH OF MEAN BULLIES! WAAAAAAHHHHH!" Lashina raced from the arena in tears.

"Thanks, Moira," Malcolm clucked. "You ruined one of investments."

Granny still was determined to sell the pair on the idea of female MMA fighters. Signaling to an eight foot tall woman in body armor, the statuesque beauty sauntered into the ring.

"Mr. Merlyn, Mrs. Queen," said the old woman. "This is our finest Fury ever. Big Barda!"

Big Bardy smiled at the couple as she towered over them. The two seemed pleased with female until she spoke.

"Hello, Mr. Merlyn and Mrs. Queen." Big Barda greeted in a very deep, masculine voice.

Malcolm's eyes widened. "Is that a man?"

Moira elbowed him. "They prefer the term transgender or um…he…uh she is a drag queen. I think."

"I'm still trying to figure that out," said the tall fighter. "But drag queen would be fine."

Covering his face, Malcolm lowered his eyes. "Well that's going to disqualify him…I mean her for the MMA's female division."

Granny Goodness shook her head. "Not if you don't tell anyone!"

Suddenly the arena shook. Everyone in the room thought an earthquake had just hit and were even more surprised to see little Oliver and Tommy running down the aisle. Granny Goodness's face twitched to see a long cylinder clutched in the eight year old blond lad's hands.

"Where did you get that?" The old woman frowned. "That's mine!"

Oliver panted and tried to catch her breath. "I found it in one of the offices. We were trying to use it to fight the monster that's chasing after us."

Granny held out her hand. "Hand it over. That's not a toy!"

The eight year old examined the long stick for a moment. "What it is it?"

"It's a birthday gift from my brother, Darkseid." The old woman explained.

Moira Queen cocked an eyebrow. "You have a brother named Darkseid?"

Granny sighed. "My parents were hippies and big on Comic Con references. I got Granny Goodness and he got Darkseid. It was either that or _Star Wars Deathstar of the Dark Side._ I think I lucked out. They wanted to call me _Lady of the Depends Spokesperson Crazy Guacamole Crone_."

"Why _Crazy Guacamole Crone_?" Malcolm inquired.

"I like avocados," said the old woman. "They're great for the digestive track." Her eyes fixed on the weapon clutched in Ollie's hand. "Okay, boy, give it here!" She gestured for the cylinder in his hand.

"NO!" The blond rich boy pouted. "Finders keepers. Losers weepers!" He hugged the long stick.

Granny stomped her foot. "That is not a toy! That is my boom tube!"

Tommy snickered as he elbowed Ollie. "Ha ha ha! She said boob!"

The old woman scowled. "Not boob! Boom! It's a powerful weapon that sets off a powerful discharge! NOW GIVE IT BACK!"

"NOOOO!" Oliver stuck his tongue and held the boom tube even tighter.

Moira folded her arms hoping reason with her son. "Now, Oliver, we can't take things that don't belong to us. Don't be like your father who seems to take many women who don't belong to him. That lying, cheating bastard…"

Without warning the arena doors exploded. The monstrous nearly naked she-beast stomped into the area holding a wet towel wrapped around her massive folds of skin. Moira and Malcolm gasped before the wealthy business owners covered their eyes in fright.

"AAAAH!" Malcolm screamed rubbing his eyelids. "MY EYES! MY EYES! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!" The towering mass of skin slapped together and created a horrific sound.

"I'M BLIND TOO!" Moira howled. "WHAT IS THAT THING?"

Granny clucked her tongue. "It's only temporary blindness. Most people get it when they first see Stompa naked. Stompa is our biggest fighter ever. She's one of our morbidly obese fatties that…"

"I'M NOT FAT!" The thing called Stompa pounded her both feet on the floor. "I'M BIG BONED! PLUS, I HAVE AN OVER ACTIVE THYROID!"

"Fatty! Fatty! Careful or you'll go splatty!" Tommy sang while wiggling his hands behind his ears and sticking out his tongue.

"YOU LITTLE TURD!" Stompa hissed. "I'M GONNA SQUASH YOU LIKE A BUG!"

"Just as long as you don't eat us!" Oliver teased the large women.

"THAT'S IT!" The obese woman roared. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

Oliver screamed as the huge blob came bounding toward him. Shaking the boom tube in fear, he accidentally pressed the button as a large discharge of energy emitted from the end and struck the enormous ceiling lights above.

"Careful!" Granny gasped. "You'll blow up the arena!"

Broken glass shattered from the ceiling as Tommy tried to grab the stick away from Ollie. "It's my turn! Let me try it next!"

Tommy yanked at one end of the staff while Ollie pulled on the other.

"No!" The blond boy frowned. "It's mine! Let go!"

"You're not the boss of me!" Tommy snorted.

Stomp panted as she got closer and shook the arena walls. Both boys pulled and tugged at the boom tube as little fingers pressed the buttons. Immediately another charge sent a surge of energy toward several large, beacon of lights on top of the arena. Big Barda and Stompa glanced up to see an enormous light fixture toppling down as Granny's eyes mouth opened with shock.

"Duck!" The old lady screamed. "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"

Moira grabbed Thea as Malcom shoved the two boys to the ground. An earth shattering explosion vibrated through the arena as the heavy light fixture squashed Barda, Stompa and Granny Goodness similar to Dorothy's falling farm house that flattened the witch in the Wizard of Oz. Ollie and Tommy looked at each other and acknowledged their huge error in judgment.

"It's your fault!" They said in unison at each other.

Moira Queen and Malcolm Merlyn folded their arms and tapped their feet staring at the boys in utter disapproval. Four year old Thea Queen came up behind her mother and pointed her finger at the two eight year olds.

"Ooooo! You're in trouble!"


	2. Chapter 2

All Sergeant Quentin Lance wanted to do today was watch the football game on his flat screen and drink a beer but no; he got stuck having to deal with a gang food warfare in the Bermuda Triangle involving the _Triad Wontons and Eggroll Chinese Restaurant_ and the _Bertinelli Di Beppo All You Can Eat Italian Buffet_ in Starling City's Bermuda Triangle district. The rest of his men called in sick to watch the game on t.v. so he had to be the one to deal with the aftermath of the situation. Along for ride was his daughter, Laurel Lance.

The brown haired eight year old decked herself out in a blonde wig and gaudy make-up as she checked herself in the rearview mirror of her father's police car and admired her leather outfit complete with fishnets and booty shorts. Sergeant Lance scowled at her provocative appearance as he drove down to the crime scene.

"Laurel!" He shouted. "What have I told you about wearing that? That is not appropriate for your young lady!"

Rolling her eyes, the lass snorted. "I'm a pop star, Daddy! I'm going to be the next Lady Gaga and like my idol, I'm expressing my art through my look. Call me Blondie Nightingale!"

"I'm calling you, Laurel Lance!" Her father replied as shook his head. "That's it! When we get home, you're going to put on an appropriate outfit and changed out of those streetwalker clothes of yours!"

Laurel folded her arms and pouted. "No! You don't understand my need for free expression! You're stifling my creativity! I hate you!"

The police officer sighed. "Where's your mother when you need her during these times of crisis."

"She's in England doing something on the BBC," said Laurel. "When you're British actress Alex Kingston, you're bound to book work after appearing on ER. Plus, the CW recently made a cast announcement to play my mother on this show. She has yet to make an appearance because they haven't aired that episode yet."

"And what about your little sister Sarah?" Quentin asked.

"Oh she's lost at sea along with Richard Queen and the rest of Gilligan's island," continued the little girl. "Plus, the author of this fanfic thinks she serves no purpose to this wacky parody and sent her off. Now can we stop by the MAC store? I need a bronzer and primer to enhance the delicate features of my skin."

"No!" The police sergeant stated. "We will do no such thing! You're going to stay in the car while I do my Law and Order routine and then we're going home so you can wash that crap off your face!"

"_I am beautiful…no matter what you say…words can't bring me down…"_

Laurel hummed and hawed in her impression of Christina Aguilera to the point Quentin Lance had to plug up his ears. Despite his love for his little girl, the poor thing could not carry a tune to save her life.

"Laurel, sweetie!" Quentin frowned. "Think of a Plan B when you grow up like maybe becoming a lawyer! You don't have the musical gene in you!"

The brown haired woman's face reddened with anger. "YOU LIE! I CAN SING! YOU'RE JUST LIKE SIMON COWELL! YOU WANT TO BRING THE REALLY TALENTED PEOPLE DOWN!"

Quentin exhaled and said nothing else as he pulled toward the curb where both eateries stood across from each other. Outside the establishments, servers and cooks yelled at each other from both ends and threatened to bodily harm with each other with bags of noodles and frozen poultry.

"GO BACK TO ITALY WHERE YOU BELONG!" One of the Triad members shouted. "OUR ORANGE CHICKEN RATES THE BEST COMPARED TO YOUR CHICKEN PARMEGIANA!"

"WE'VE HAD BETTER FOOD AT THE PANDA EXPRESS!" Some Bertinelli thug screamed as he waved a large deli sausage in their faces.

"YOUR TOMATO SAUCE IS ALL CANNED! THE DEL MONTE KIND!" A voice from the Triad screamed.

"TAKE THAT BACK OR ELSE!" One of the Bertinelli goons threatened.

"MAKE US!" Another Triad baited.

The Bertinelli group descended upon the Chinese restaurant employees. Chaos erupted as pasta noodles flew everywhere, egg rolls were thrown about, frozen meatballs shot out, and fortune cookies smashed on the ground. Quentin Lance attempted to squelch the brawl but got hit in the face with a flying calzone. Frustrated, he had no other choice but to pull little Laurel from the police car.

"Sing, Laurel!" He shouted.

The little girl raised her eyebrows. "What?"

"Sing! Sing a song! Sing out proud! Sing out strong!"

Laurel smiled as she climbed on the top of hood of the police car in her blonde wig, tight leather outfit, and fishnets and began performing to her adoring fans.

"_Don't stop…Make it pop…DJ, blow my speakers up…Tonight, I'mma gonna fight…Till we see the sunlight…"_

Suddenly the Triad and the Bertinelli's covered their ears in anguish as they stopped fighting and crumpled to the ground.

"AAACCKK! A KEI$HA SONG! SHE'S BUTCHERING IT!"

"MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!

Quentin raced toward his daughter and tried to escort her down. Laurel pulled her hand away.

"Daddy! Not now!" She hissed. "I'm doing an encore!"

One of the Triad members got down on his knees and pleaded for mercy. "Please! No more! I surrender! Arrest me!"

A Bertinelli thug shoved the Chinese man out of the way. "No! Arrest me! I surrender! Just take me away from that awful singing!"

"Me too!" A Triad goon begged. He raised his wrists to the officer to be handcuffed.

Upon hearing all the negative criticism, Laurel stomped her feet. "YOU'RE A BUNCH OF LIARS! YOU CAN'T APPRECIATE GOOD SINGING WHEN YOU HEAR IT!"

Sergeant Lance shrugged as he yanked his daughter down from the police car. "Try to take constructive criticism, Laurel. It's part of the job!"

"I HATE YOU ALL!" The little girl screeched. She opened the passenger's side of the squad car and slammed it shut. "I'M STAYING IN HERE AND NOT COMING OUT!"

To the police officer, that was a relief. That meant his little girl was not going to do any more impromptu performances. Pulling out his notebook from his pocket, he approached a dark haired older gentleman who seemed to be instructing the Bertinelli crowd.

"Sir," said the Quentin Lance. "You seem to have a handle on things. Care to explain what happened?"

The dark haired man nodded. "Yes, officer. The Chinese Triad started it. My workers were simply promoting our Duck a l'Orange special for _Bertinelli Di Beppo_ when the Triad attacked us with their frozen eggrolls and mediocre wontons!"

An old Asian man with white hair somersaulted from the Triad gathering and performed a K_arate Kid _whooping crane fighting stance. "You dishonor the Triad Eggrolls and Wonton clan! Prepare for the Chopsuey Soy Sauce Five Finger Discount Palm of Death!" In a few dramatic gestures, the senior citizen waved his hands in the air before Quentin Lance facepalmed the man and forced him to stop.

"No one is administering any kind of karate kung-fu mumbo jumbo!" He stated. "Now what is your name?"

"I am O-Sensei of the _Triad Eggrolls and Wonton Chinese Restaurant_ and owner and leader of this bunch. Mr. Frank Bertinelli there stole our recipe for his Duck a l'Orange from our Spicy Orange Chicken menu and claimed at it as his. He has dishonored our family and we want vengeance and perhaps a fifty percent piece of the cut since it seems to be doing well."

"Not a chance!" The dark haired man named Frank Bertinelli argued. "My Duck a l'Orange is Bertinelli di Beppo's original idea! We won't share in the profits of our innovation! All's fair in love and food recipes!"

"Hah!" O-Sensei snorted. "Your food is not original or even fresh. It all comes in a can like a Chef Boyardee!"

"Take that back!" Frank Bertinelli sneered as he stood up to the old man.

"Bring it on, bitch!" O-Sensei challenged.

The dark haired Italian charged toward the Chinese restaurant owner as the old man jumped on the Frank's back and began tugging at his hair. Then both Triad and Bertinelli goons went after each other by bringing their cultural flavor into the mix. Once again both Asian and Italian noodles became projectile weapons as they pelted each other with the ingredients.

"STOP THIS!" Quentin Lance waved his arms to control the chaos. "YOU'RE WASTING FOOD! YOU KNOW THERE ARE CHILDREN IN AFRICA THAT ARE STARVING, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS!"

O-Sensei slapped the top of Frank Bertinelli's head. "Say that Chinese food is the best! Say it! Say it!"

"No! Italian food is better!" The Italian owner shouted as he tried to buck off the old man. O-Sensei clutched on to his shoulders for dear life.

"_AZARATH METRION ZINTHOS!"_

A puff of smoke broke apart the group. The Triad and the Bertinellis separated as a dark haired, blue eyed little girl in gothic purple and black clothes marched up to the dueling parties. In her hands, she held a tiny book in her hand as her companion, a mousy, nerdy blonde lass with glasses folded her hands and blushed.

"Sorry," the mousy girl named Felicity Smoak turned red. "The spell is supposed to blow a small breeze. I didn't know it conjured carbon monoxide."

"Felicity! Helena!" Frank Bertinelli yelled as he tossed O-Sensei off his back. "What the hell are you doing here? You're both supposed to be at home practicing your crossbow lessons!"

Sergeant Lance cocked an eyebrow. "You know these two girls?"

"Felicity Smoak is my daughter's best friend," said the Italian man. "She has an IQ over 200 and she is one of those freak genius kids. The goth girl is my daughter, Helena. She's dealing with Mommy issues after my wife left to become one of those mob wives on a reality show. Helena has a lot of suppressed anger."

"I wouldn't have a lot of rage built of inside me if you didn't have my Scottish Terrier, Michael, killed!" The eight year old girl spat. "I want vengeance for my poor pooch who I loved so much!"

"I had to, Mafia princess," Frank scowled. "Michael would have ruined me. He was threatening to reveal my secret ravioli recipe to the Triads so I had to have him put to sleep. It's business!"

"But he was my beloved pet!" Helena had tears in her eyes. "For that, I can never forgive you! That is why I'm learning the ways of black magic by joining the cult of Trigon and summoning a demon to destroy you and your precious restaurant!'

Frank Bertinelli shook his finger at his daughter. "You can't join another religion! I forbid it! Plus, we're Catholic and demon worshipping is against our religion!"

"I DON'T CARE!" Helena screeched. "I'M GONNA MAKE THE BERTINELLI DI BEPPO PAY FOR THE MURDER OF MY DOG MICHAEL!" She opened her spellbook and began chanting. _"AZARATH METRION ZINTHOS! AZARATH METRION ZINTHOS!"_

Frank Bertinelli glanced at Sergeant Lance with a puzzled look. "Shouldn't that pertain to the Raven character or even Zatanna?"

Quentin shrugged. "It's the author's fanfiction! None of this makes any sense but just go with the flow. Plus, they're both dark haired females. I'm sure every none comic book reading person won't know the difference."

"_AZARATH METRION ZINTHOS…AZARATH METRION ZINTHOS…"_

Eight year old Felicity Smoak covered her mouth in fear. "If the world ends, I'm soooo ending out friendship, Helena!" She threatened the gothic girl.

Another puff of smoke surrounded the crowd. Everyone gasped as a brown haired woman in a red suit and glasses appeared and waved at the battling enemies.

"AAACCCK! It's horrible!" O-Sensei cringed. "It's the most hideous thing in the world!"

"IT'S SARAH PALIN!" Frank Bertinelli exclaimed in fright.

"Hello voters," smiled Sarah Palin as her third eye and horns appeared on her head. "I'm the demon Trigon or you can call me the governor of Alaska!"

"Watch out!" Quentin Lance warned as he aimed his gun. "She's going to murder us with her ridiculous rhetoric!"

"Oh come now!" The demon roared. "Let's be supportive of Trigon! Let's all be friends. We've got to stand with our North Korean allies! That's what foreign policy is all about!"

"Ugggh!" O-Sensei pounded his head along with his Triad members. "She's draining my intelligence!"

"I can see Russia from Starling City!" Sarah announced."

"NOOOO!" Frank Bertinelli and his thugs cried. "She doesn't make any sense!"

Helena smirked. "YES! Cower you fools and face the wrath of a pet lover scorned. My Scottish terrier, Michael shall be avenged!"

"You know my baby has Down Syndrome?" Trigon the demon in Sarah Palin's form loved to exploit this fact. Sergeant Lance grabbed his years.

"Noooo! Make it stop! Make it stop!" The police officer begged. He raced toward the squad car to pull out Laurel. "Laurel sing!"

The tyke smiled as she flipped her blonde wig and got on top of the car. "I want to dedicate this song to my adorning fans." Shaking her hand in an exaggerated Christina Aguilera style, she began to horribly belt out a tune. _"Oh…say…can you…see…"_

Trigon the demon slapped her face in disgust. "NO! YOU'RE RUINING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM! PATRIOTISM! NATIONALISM! GOP PUNDITS ENDORSEMENT! IT'S BEING DISGRACED! DIHONORED! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! AAAAAHHHHHH!

An explosion of smoke blew apart the warring groups. Sarah Palin the demon vanished back to the Hell from where she came as the Triad and the Bertinellis became tossed about by the immense force left behind by Trigon. Once the smoke cleared, the bodies of both parties became littered on the street as Quentin Lance grabbed his handcuffs and arrested Helena, Felicity, and his own daughter.

"Hey!" Helena frowned. "What's the big idea?"

"I'm arresting you three for disturbance of the peace, trying to conjure up an illegal demon, and for bringing Sarah Palin to a liberal town for no apparent reason," explained the police officer. "Felicity, you're her accomplice so you're an accessory."

The nerdy, blond girl's mouth dropped. "But…but I have an IQ of over 200. This will ruin my chances of getting into Yale!"

"That's tough," snorted the sergeant. He turned to his daughter. "Laurel, sorry. I have to arrest you for noise pollution."

Miffed by her father's response, the little girl rolled her eyes. "Everyone is a critic. Just you wait, Daddy! When I become famous and you're old and gray, I'm putting you in a home and leaving you there!"

"Make sure it's Shady Pines," said Sergeant Lance as he hauled the girls into the paddy wagon. "I hear they have good food there."


	3. Chapter 3

Statuesque and green skinned, attorney Jennifer Walters stood in front of Judge Nancy Grace of the Starling City Courthouse as six of the city's juvenile delinquents waited to say their peace before the law official. Eight year olds Oliver Queen, Tommy Merlyn, Laurel Lance, Helena Bertinelli, and Felicity Smoak rolled their eyes while their parents sat behind in order to show support for their children. The only one not being represented by Miss Walters was ten year old John Diggle who decided to act as his own attorney. Plus, he could not afford the attorney fees so he figured he would just wing it.

The angry blonde woman with the crazy eyes growled at the six youngsters as she banged her gavel behind the stand. As a victim's right advocate, she enjoyed getting on her soapbox and spewing her inane trite opinions even though none of them made any sense.

"As a former attorney who loves to run off her mouth instead of listening to the facts," Judge Nancy Grace began in obnoxious southern drawl. "I am shocked! Shocked! Did I mentioned shocked? Again, I'll say it. I am shocked that you six juvenile delinquents caused a disturbance of the peace, property damage, and felony assaults on the poor, innocent people of Starling City."

Attorney Jennifer Walters raised her hand. "Your Honor, with all due respect. My five clients have been victims of circumstances beyond their control. I'm requesting that the court show leniency due to their age."

Judge Nancy Grace scoffed. "Leniency? We're talking future criminals here. " She looked at Ollie and Laurel in particular. "I see those two playing with bows and arrows, screaming their heads off, and trying to fight off bad guys in this city especially since crime brings revenue into Starling during this troubled economy."

"Your Honor," Miss Walters defended. "Certainly we can make an exception and overlook these youngsters' indiscretions and provide them valuable life lessons like not getting in the middle of a food fight or blowing up a MMA arena."

"And tazing a hood rat mama and her family!" Ten year old John Diggle interrupted. "Even though the bitch got what's comin' to her!"

Judge Nancy Grace banged her gavel even louder. "Order! Order! I say order in the court!"

"I'll take a ham and cheese on a croissant and with no mayo!" Eight year old Oliver Queen shouted out.

"Make mine a burger and fries!" His best friend Tommy Merlyn joined in.

"Can I substitute the meat for a veggie patty and a salad?" Laurel Lance asked while waving her hand. She began to do her Britney Spears impression in her blonde wig, leather outfit and fishnet stockings. "We popstars have to watch our figures before we shoot our next music video."

"Actually I want a pizza," complained Helena Bertinelli. "Extra pepperoni."

"I'll just have a smoothie," said Felicity Smoak who pushed her glasses to her face. "I'm not really hungry."

"MISS WALTERS!" Judge Grace screeched. "CONTROL YOUR CLIENTS!"

"I don't think she can control anything," said Ollie. "She is the savage She-Hulk, after all. I mean Jennifer Walters isn't supposed to be in the DC Universe. She's a Marvel property."

"THEN WHY THE HELL IS SHE HERE DEFENDING YOU ALL?" Judge Grace hollered.

"All other attorneys are busy defending other big named superheroes," answered the blond boy. "Mr. District Attorney is retired and Harvey Birdman is incompetent. Have you seen his animated show on the Cartoon Network? I mean how does the guy get any work done?"

Judge Grace had to admit that the juvenile delinquent was right. "True but as a victim's rights advocate, I believe that the law should be upheld by the people that belong to the correct comic book universe. The fact is Jennifer Walters, aka The She-Hulk, should be with her own kind."

John Diggle rotated his head. "Aww, it's gonna be like that, huh? You gonna play the race card? What does it gotta be green? "

Jennifer Walters waved her finger and shook her head alongside Diggle. "Mmmhmm, looks like Miss Thang here has a problem with me being green. I'm betting she's a racist."

"I AM NOT A RACIST!" Judge Grace scowled. "I have many green friends. Like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Martian Manhunter."

Rolling his eyes, John Diggle folded his arms in disgust. "Oh, gonna play I have many green friends thing. You, lady, are in fact a racist!"

"I told you I am not a racist!" The crazed eyed judge shouted. "I have a little green in me! I'll let you know I'm related to the Jolly Green Giant and Poison Ivy! That does not make me a racist!"

"No," Laurel Lance clucked her tongue. "It makes you an eco-terrorist! With that natural green stuff in you, no wonder you have no protein in you! You need to eat a little meat more!"

Tommy Merlyn snickered. "Yeah, she's green with envy!"

"Or smoking the green stuff," giggled Helena Bertinelli as she imitated her two fingers and brought them to her lips. She made a motion of smoking a joint which caused Judge Nancy Grace to erupt her. The blonde law official slammed the gavel even louder at the bench.

"THAT'S IT! I'M THROWING THE BOOK AT ALL OF YOU! I SENTENCE YOU SIX TO HARD TIME AT THE DEATHSTROKE MILITARY ACADMEY FOR DELINQUENT TOTS ON THE ISLAND OF LIAN YU! MAYBE THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!"

Helena Bertinelli's mouth dropped and then her face exhibited anger. She pointed at the judge and flipped her the bird. "You are hypocrite, Nancy Grace! You love to condemn first before investigating the facts! No wonder you lied about your college fiance's murder."

"HE WAS IN FACT MURDERED!" Judge Grace sneered. "By a random stranger, no doubt. Even though the investigation proved to be Tommy McCoy who confessed to the murder! I needed to sell my story to make my audience sympathetic to me in the public eye and enhance my viewership! What's wrong with that?"

"Oh and you blamed Elizabeth Smart for getting kidnapped and held captive by a religious zealot," Felicity Smoak pointed out.

"BECAUSE SHE HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO GET AWAY!" The crazed woman declared. "SHE COULD HAVE PICKED UP A PHONE AND CALLED THE POLICE! BUT THEN AGAIN WHY WOULD ELIZABETH SMART MISS AN OPPORTUNITY NOT TO BE RESCUED UNLESS SHE SIDED WITH HER CAPTOR?"

Jennifer Walters frowned. "That doesn't make any sense and I don't appreciate you bringing the subject up and making the victim the criminal here!"

Judge Nancy Grace spewed like a demon out of hell. "I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT! I AM NANCY GRACE! SELF PROCLAIMED VICTIM'S ADVOCATE AND A FULL OF HERSELF HOT AIR CELEBRITY! I SHALL NOT BE SILENCED…"

The walls of the courtroom crumbled as an auburn haired muscle woman in a purple spandex outfit came barging in. Flexing her biceps, she roared as Nancy Grace pounded gavel on to the bench.

"ORDER! ORDER!" The judge shouted. She glared at the mysterious woman. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?"

"I am the Marvel villainess, Titania!" The muscle woman announced. "And She-Hulk's number one archnemesis!"

Jennifer Walters folded her arms and cocked an eyebrow. "You are? I thought it was Abomination or Radioactive Man? You're more like a Z-listed enemy of mine!"

Titania stomped her feet. "Z-LIST? I'M A SUPERSTRONG, POWERFUL VILLAINESS!"

"You're interrupting my courtroom and I'm holding you in contempt!" Judge Grace yelled. She pounded her gavel to prove it. "Now get out! This is a DC fanfic not a Marvel one and I won't have the two do a crossover!"

Not happy with the suggestion, Titania ran down the aisle and punched Nancy Grace so hard that she crashed through the back end of the wall. Surprisingly, no one really cared that the so called victim's advocate got assaulted by an evil muscle woman.

Titania cracked her knuckles and smirked at She-Hulk. "I never liked that blonde correspondent! She-Hulk, prepared to be have your ass kicked by your number one archenemy!"

Jennifer Walters rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say, Tit-tania. See how made a dirty reference to your name?"

Roaring loudly, the muscle woman lunged at the green skinned attorney. Oliver and Tommy leaped on top of the table and began chanting.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

Soon the rest of the crowd began to along with it as they watched the two super strong women go at it. Hair was pulled, clothes were ripped, and breasts were exposed. Ollie, Tommy, and little John Diggle stared with their mouths wide opened as they watched the nearly naked women duke it out in the Starling City courtroom.

On the other end of the room, Laurel, Helena, and Felicity shook their heads in disgust.

"Jeez, it's like I'm watching porno," commenting Helena.

"Total Cinemax," Laurel agreed.

"That is nasty!" Felicity remarked. "This is not appropriate for anyone under the age of 17."

The two women continued to fight bare naked until members of senior citizens DC's JSA and Marvel's agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. were called in to break up the fight. Despite objecting to having a crossover, the competing comic book characters disbanded the female brawl and packed up the kiddies of this fanfic and sent them to Lian Yu.

It was about time too since the author of this story seems to rambling and getting nowhere with the plot so he is continuing it in the next post. Talk about jumping the shark!


End file.
